The Fear of Being Forgotten: Love Bombing, Attachment, and the Shifting Dynamics in Relationships

Relationships are complex, filled with a mix of love, desire, fear, and sometimes, unspoken insecurities. One of the deepest fears many of us carry is the fear of being forgotten or abandoned. This fear can be a powerful force, shaping how we engage with others and, in some cases, how we behave in relationships. Whether it’s the intoxicating early stages of a relationship marked by love bombing or the more gradual shifts that occur as relationships evolve, the fear of abandonment and the shifting dynamics can leave lasting marks on both partners.
In this blog, we’ll explore the psychoanalytic perspective on the fear of abandonment, how love bombing plays into attachment theory, and the transformations that occur within relationships when one’s own behavior changes. We’ll also discuss what it means to separate from the old and begin something new, both in the context of romantic relationships and in personal growth.
The Fear of Abandonment: An Attachment Theory Perspective
Attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, helps us understand how early relationships with caregivers shape our emotional responses in adulthood. Bowlby’s work on attachment bonds suggests that our ability to form stable, secure relationships is largely influenced by how we were treated as children. If our caregivers were consistently available and responsive to our needs, we likely develop a secure attachment style, feeling confident in our relationships and knowing that we are worthy of love.
However, if we experienced neglect, inconsistency, or abandonment during childhood, we may develop insecure attachment styles — anxious, avoidant, or disorganized — that affect our behaviors in relationships as adults. These attachment patterns can give rise to a pervasive fear of being abandoned or forgotten.
For many, this fear of abandonment manifests in romantic relationships. When someone feels emotionally vulnerable or is faced with the possibility of losing a loved one, they may react in ways that they might not fully understand — such as clinging to a partner, becoming overly dependent, or even sabotaging the relationship out of fear.
Love Bombing: Intensity in the Beginning
The term love bombing describes a pattern of behavior often seen in the early stages of a relationship, where one partner showers the other with excessive affection, attention, and promises. While it may feel thrilling at first, love bombing can have a darker side. According to psychoanalyst and relationship experts, love bombing is often a manipulative tactic used by individuals with insecure attachment styles, often those with narcissistic tendencies or a fear of abandonment themselves.
Love bombing taps into the deep-seated fear of abandonment. In these instances, the person „bombarding“ the other with love may be trying to secure their partner’s attachment or prevent them from leaving by creating a bond so intense that the other person feels emotionally overwhelmed — and thus, trapped in a cycle of needing to reciprocate that love.
In psychoanalytic terms, love bombing can be seen as an unconscious strategy for controlling emotional attachment. It seeks to ensure the other person will not abandon the love bomber by overloading them with affection and praise. This behavior, however, often leads to an imbalance, where the „loved“ partner feels overwhelmed, suffocated, or even emotionally manipulated.
Ultimately, while love bombing may temporarily satisfy the fear of abandonment, it leaves both partners feeling unfulfilled. The bond formed is shallow and fragile because it is based on intensity rather than authentic, steady attachment.
Behavioral Shifts in Relationships: What Happens When One Changes?
One of the most complex dynamics in a relationship occurs when one partner begins to change. This might involve a shift in behavior, emotional responses, or even an evolution of personal values and priorities. These changes can have a profound effect on the relationship, challenging the existing dynamics and forcing both individuals to reconsider their roles and identities within the relationship.
For those with anxious attachment styles, a change in behavior from their partner — such as emotional withdrawal or distancing — can trigger intense feelings of insecurity. They may interpret the change as a sign of impending abandonment, which could lead to desperate attempts to reassert the connection. On the flip side, someone with an avoidant attachment style may begin to pull away when their partner becomes too emotionally demanding, as they fear losing their sense of autonomy or being smothered by the relationship.
In psychoanalytic terms, these shifts can represent a “rupture” in the relationship — a moment when the previous emotional equilibrium is disturbed. How these ruptures are repaired will depend largely on the couple’s ability to communicate openly and the capacity for both individuals to remain emotionally available to each other. The process of adapting to changes in behavior can be incredibly difficult, as it forces both partners to confront vulnerabilities and uncertainties that may have been suppressed.
Separating from the Old and Beginning Something New
As relationships evolve and individuals grow, there comes a point where one or both partners must let go of the past — of old patterns of behavior, unresolved conflicts, or emotional baggage that may no longer serve the relationship. This separation can be an emotionally charged process, filled with grief, fear, and relief.
In psychoanalytic terms, this process of separating from the old and beginning something new can be likened to a process of individuation, as described by Carl Jung. Individuation is the journey toward becoming one’s true self, integrating unconscious aspects of the personality, and shedding outdated or limiting beliefs. In the context of a relationship, individuation can involve each partner becoming more fully themselves, while also learning to negotiate a new relationship dynamic that reflects mutual respect, healthy boundaries, and emotional availability.
This process can also be likened to what Winnicott described as “creative living.” According to Winnicott, emotional growth in relationships requires both partners to be able to create something new — an emotional and psychological space where both individuals can thrive and evolve. The challenge here is to navigate the fear of abandonment or rejection that often accompanies growth and change, as well as to learn how to emotionally „contain“ the shifts that occur within the relationship.
Working Through the Shifts: How to Begin Something New
So, how can one work through these emotional shifts and begin something new in a relationship? It requires deep emotional work, both individually and together as a couple. Here are a few steps:
1. Embrace Vulnerability: Allow yourself to express your fears, hopes, and desires openly with your partner. Vulnerability is the cornerstone of intimacy and emotional connection.
2. Identify Attachment Patterns: Understanding your own attachment style, as well as your partner’s, can help you navigate difficult moments. Working through these patterns in therapy can help uncover the roots of your fears and insecurities.
3. Let Go of the Old: Letting go of past wounds, expectations, and patterns is essential for emotional growth. This might involve healing past trauma, grieving losses, or simply forgiving each other for past mistakes.
4. Build Healthy Communication: Create a space for honest and empathetic dialogue. Communication is key to navigating the inevitable shifts in relationships and fostering mutual growth.
5. Allow Space for Change: Encourage each other’s personal development and respect the space needed for individual growth. Supporting each other through changes will strengthen the relationship in the long run.
Conclusion: The Dynamic Dance of Relationship Growth
In relationships, the fear of being forgotten or abandoned can drive a range of behaviors, from love bombing to emotional withdrawal. As individuals evolve, so too must their relationships. By understanding the deeper attachment dynamics at play and learning to separate from old, limiting patterns, we can create space for something new and healthier to emerge. In this process, it’s important to recognize that relationships are not static; they require ongoing effort, communication, and emotional resilience to thrive.
Literature References:
• Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Routledge.
• Winnicott, D. W. (1960). The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment. International University Press.
• Jung, C. G. (1953). Psychological Aspects of the Self. Collected Works, Volume 9.