„It’s Just Not the Right Fit“: On Repetition, Misrecognition, and the Longing to Belong

„It just doesn’t feel like the right fit.“

This phrase often emerges in the consulting room with a quiet sense of resignation. A patient sits across from me, disheartened after ending yet another romantic relationship, leaving another job, or even considering ending the therapeutic process itself. The pattern is familiar, almost script-like: something feels off, unaligned, not quite right. And so, the patient walks away.

At first glance, this seems practical—why stay in a situation that feels wrong? Yet when this sense of „wrongness“ becomes pervasive, repeating across different areas of life—intimate relationships, work, and even the analytic setting—it invites a deeper inquiry. What does it mean when nothing seems to fit?

The Repetition Compulsion: Returning to the Scene
Freud’s concept of Wiederholungszwang, or repetition compulsion, offers one way to approach this phenomenon. In Beyond the Pleasure Principle (1920), Freud describes how individuals unconsciously repeat early experiences, even painful ones, in an attempt to gain mastery over them. These repetitions are not exact replicas but reconfigurations—new scenes that evoke old feelings.

A patient who consistently feels that „men are never the right fit“ may, at a deeper level, be reencountering a formative relational template. Perhaps early experiences of emotional unavailability or misattunement laid down an implicit expectation: connection will always be elusive. In the language of Jessica Benjamin (1998), such a person may be caught in an unconscious dynamic of doer and done-to, unable to find a mutual, reciprocal fit.

Similarly, the feeling of professional misalignment—the sense that no job ever truly fits—might echo an early struggle to feel recognized or valued for one’s authentic self. Winnicott (1960) introduced the idea of the false self, which forms as a defense against early failures of environmental attunement. In such cases, the individual learns to adapt, comply, and perform, often at the expense of feeling real or integrated. No wonder each job begins with hope but ends with disillusionment: the role was never designed to hold the person’s true self.

The Misfit as Defense and Communication
From a relational perspective, the feeling of misfit can serve as both a defense and a communication. It protects the individual from the vulnerability of real engagement—after all, if the situation is simply “not right,” one can leave before being left. At the same time, it conveys a deeper longing: to be seen, understood, and accepted without having to contort oneself into something else.

In the analytic encounter, this feeling often surfaces in the early phases of treatment or during ruptures. The patient may say, “I just don’t think you get me,” or “Maybe this isn’t the right match.” Here, the analyst is invited to consider not only whether there’s a genuine lack of fit, but also whether this moment reenacts earlier disappointments. As Thomas Ogden (1994) notes, the analytic relationship is a “third” space in which both analyst and patient contribute to the co-creation of meaning. Misattunements are inevitable, but they can also be metabolized and worked through.

The Fantasy of the Perfect Fit
Underneath the lament “It’s just not the right fit” lies, often unspoken, the fantasy of the perfect fit. This imagined ideal—of the flawless partner, the dream job, or the therapist who instantly understands—can function as both a beacon and a trap. It fuels hope but also guarantees disappointment. As Lacan (1960) reminds us, desire is structured around lack. The object of desire is always, in some sense, lost or unattainable.

To desire a perfect fit may be to avoid the risks of intimacy: negotiating difference, tolerating frustration, and allowing oneself to be known in all one’s contradictions. The psychoanalytic process invites the patient to examine the longing behind the repetition, to grieve what was never received, and to imagine new possibilities of relating.

Working Through: From Misfit to Meaning
Healing does not necessarily mean finding the “right” fit in some absolute sense. Rather, it may mean learning to inhabit the discomfort of misfit long enough to ask: What does this experience remind me of? What part of me feels unheld, unrecognized, or unseen? And is it possible that some of this feeling arises not from the other but from within?

In therapy, staying with the feeling of “not fitting” can be transformative. It can become a shared space in which patient and analyst explore what it would mean to be met—not perfectly, but meaningfully. As Bromberg (2006) writes, growth occurs not when we eliminate conflict but when we can stand in the spaces between different parts of ourselves.

When the sense of misfit becomes a mirror reflecting internal dislocations, it no longer has to dictate action. The patient may still choose to end a relationship, leave a job, or even terminate therapy. But now, the decision arises from a place of insight rather than compulsion.

Conclusion: Belonging Without Perfection
There is something deeply human in the wish to find one’s place—to feel known, seen, and at home. Psychoanalysis does not offer a map to the “perfect fit,” but it does offer a space to explore the patterns that prevent us from feeling at home anywhere. Over time, the analytic process can help a person tolerate the imperfections of real life and real relationships, allowing for a deeper, more resilient sense of belonging—not because everything fits perfectly, but because one no longer has to be perfect to belong.

References

Benjamin, J. (1998). Shadow of the Other: Intersubjectivity and Gender in Psychoanalysis. Routledge.
Bromberg, P. M. (2006). Awakening the Dreamer: Clinical Journeys. Routledge.
Freud, S. (1920). Beyond the Pleasure Principle. Standard Edition, 18.
Lacan, J. (1960). The Subversion of the Subject and the Dialectic of Desire. Écrits.
Ogden, T. H. (1994). Subjects of Analysis. Aronson.
Winnicott, D. W. (1960). Ego Distortion in Terms of True and False Self. In The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment.