Feeding the Addiction: Why Patients with Eating Disorders Often Choose Partners Struggling with Addiction

In the complex world of eating disorders, the relationship dynamics that form around them are often just as intricate and telling as the behaviors surrounding food itself. One particularly intriguing and perplexing pattern that emerges among individuals with eating disorders is the tendency to form romantic relationships with partners who have their own struggles with addiction—whether it’s drug addiction, alcohol, gambling, or even gaming addiction. But what drives this connection? Why do some people with eating disorders unconsciously gravitate toward partners who have addictive tendencies of their own? In this post, we’ll explore the psychoanalytic roots of this behavior and unravel the emotional, psychological, and relational factors that come into play.

The Shadow of Trauma and Early Attachments
Psychoanalytic theory often suggests that our early relationships with caregivers shape the way we approach future relationships. For individuals with eating disorders, these early attachments may have been fraught with neglect, inconsistency, or emotional unavailability. This creates a form of attachment that is known as disorganized attachment—a style in which the child craves emotional connection but is simultaneously fearful of it due to past experiences of trauma or inconsistency. In adulthood, this attachment style can lead individuals to seek relationships that mirror the emotional chaos and dysfunction they learned in childhood, even if those relationships are unhealthy or damaging.

When it comes to eating disorders, individuals often subconsciously recreate patterns of control, neglect, or emotional instability, hoping that by doing so, they can „resolve“ or rework the original trauma. The choice of a partner with an addiction problem, such as a gaming addiction or drug dependency, could be a reflection of an unconscious desire to recreate an emotionally intense, yet unstable, environment. These individuals may feel drawn to relationships where they can oscillate between extremes—intense closeness and disconnection—just as they may feel driven to extremes when it comes to food.

The Illusion of Control: Eating Disorders and Addictive Behaviors
Eating disorders, at their core, are often about control. Whether it’s through restricting food intake, binging, purging, or over-exercising, these behaviors are an attempt to gain mastery over one’s body, emotions, and environment in the face of internal turmoil. For someone with an eating disorder, this desperate need for control can extend beyond the realm of food and seep into other areas of their life—most notably, their relationships.

Addiction, whether to substances or behaviors like gaming, creates a paradoxical dynamic where the individual is controlled by the substance or activity, yet often seeks to maintain a sense of control over the situation. In these relationships, a person with an eating disorder may find themselves drawn to someone who appears both controlling and uncontrollable, which offers a familiar emotional terrain. They may unconsciously seek out a partner whose addiction mirrors their own struggle for control, thus recreating the cycle of restriction, indulgence, and instability they experience with food.

In some ways, the addict’s need for their substance or behavior can serve as a form of distraction or escape from emotional pain, much like how someone with an eating disorder uses food (or the lack thereof) to numb their feelings. There’s a shared pattern of self-destructive coping mechanisms at play—one through food, the other through addictive behaviors. This can create an intense emotional bond based on shared suffering and dysfunction, rather than mutual emotional health or connection.

Repetition Compulsion: The Desire to Rewrite the Past
A concept central to psychoanalysis is repetition compulsion, the unconscious tendency to recreate or repeat unresolved emotional conflicts from the past in an attempt to master or „correct“ them. For individuals with eating disorders, choosing a partner with addiction issues might stem from this compulsion to relive past traumas or emotional deficits. Perhaps the person with an eating disorder grew up in an environment where addiction—whether in the form of substance abuse, emotional neglect, or some other addiction—was present. Unconsciously, they may choose partners who reflect this same chaos and instability in an effort to „fix“ what was never resolved in their formative years.

In relationships with addictive partners, individuals may subconsciously seek out the same emotional turmoil they experienced in childhood, believing that this emotional chaos is „normal“ or familiar. They might also feel a deep, unconscious longing to repair or heal the addiction they witnessed growing up. This can manifest as the desire to „save“ their partner or be the one who “fixes” their problems—mirroring their own inner conflict of wanting control over an uncontrollable situation, much like their struggle with eating.

The Co-Dependency Dynamic: Two Addictions Colliding
Another critical element in this dynamic is the idea of co-dependency, where both partners may depend on each other for emotional validation, even if the means of validation are unhealthy or destructive. In the case of someone with an eating disorder, they might feel validated by their ability to control food, and similarly, the partner with an addiction might feel validated by their ability to control their substance or behavior. Together, they create a complex, interdependent system where both individuals are trapped in their own addictive cycles.

In such relationships, there is often a subtle, yet powerful, interdependence. The person with an eating disorder may become hyper-focused on their partner’s addiction, while the partner with addiction may rely on the eating-disordered individual for emotional regulation or stability. This creates a toxic loop where both individuals feed into each other’s dysfunction, reinforcing unhealthy coping mechanisms and emotional instability.

The Need for Empathy and Healing
At the heart of these patterns is often an unmet need for empathy, validation, and emotional connection. Both the person with an eating disorder and the individual with addiction may have experienced profound emotional neglect or invalidation during formative years. As a result, they may seek out partners who, unconsciously, reflect these deep emotional needs, hoping to find the empathy or validation that was missing earlier in life. Unfortunately, the addictive behaviors of these relationships make it difficult to find true healing and resolution.

For individuals with eating disorders, it’s crucial to work on healing the underlying emotional wounds that drive these relational patterns. Psychoanalysis can help individuals explore the unconscious motivations behind their choice of partners, address past trauma, and develop healthier ways of seeking connection. Therapy can also help break the cycle of co-dependency, enabling both individuals in such relationships to learn to meet their emotional needs without relying on destructive coping mechanisms like addiction or disordered eating.

Conclusion: Breaking the Cycle
In conclusion, the connection between patients with eating disorders and partners who struggle with addiction is multifaceted and deeply rooted in unconscious patterns. Often, these relationships reflect an attempt to recreate early attachment dynamics, control emotional chaos, and fulfill unmet needs for validation and empathy. By understanding these unconscious forces, individuals with eating disorders can begin to unravel the complex web of their relational patterns and start healing not just their relationship with food, but also with themselves and those they choose to love. Healing involves not only understanding why these relationships form but also taking the necessary steps to break the cycle and choose healthier, more fulfilling connections.