Chasing the High: The Unconscious Attraction to Chaos and Control in Bulimia and Drug Use

Attraction can often feel like a mystery, especially when the people we find ourselves drawn to don’t align with what we consciously believe we need or deserve. For some women, the pattern of choosing men who struggle with addiction, particularly drug use, can be puzzling. This pattern may seem self-destructive or counterintuitive, especially when the relationship dynamics are fraught with chaos, instability, and emotional turbulence. But when we delve deeper into psychoanalytic theory, attachment dynamics, and the complexities of disordered eating, we begin to unravel the unconscious motivations behind this attraction.
In particular, the connection between women with bulimia and their attraction to men on drugs speaks to a deeper psychological need—one that is both rooted in early attachment experiences and in the attempt to find control, validation, and identity within chaotic, unhealthy dynamics.
Attachment Theory: The Roots of Connection
At the core of this dynamic lies attachment theory, which suggests that the way we form relationships in adulthood is heavily influenced by the bonds we formed with our caregivers during childhood. These early experiences shape how we view ourselves, our worth, and how we expect to be treated in relationships.
For a woman with bulimia, especially one who may have experienced neglect or inconsistency in her attachment relationships, the unconscious need for emotional regulation and validation can be deeply powerful. Attachment wounds—whether stemming from emotional unavailability, criticism, or neglect—can create a deep sense of emptiness and a craving for connection, even if that connection is dysfunctional or unhealthy.
In the case of attraction to men who use drugs, there may be an unconscious pattern at play: the chaotic, unpredictable nature of a relationship with a drug user may mirror early experiences of emotional neglect, where love and care were inconsistent or conditioned on behavior. In essence, the cycle of disorder and emotional volatility may feel strangely familiar, as if it mimics the emotional chaos of childhood attachment wounds.
Bulimia: Control in a World of Uncertainty
Bulimia nervosa, a complex and multifaceted eating disorder, is often rooted in the desire for control, particularly in an environment where an individual feels powerless or overwhelmed. For women who struggle with bulimia, controlling their body, food, and weight can serve as one of the few areas in life where they feel a sense of autonomy and mastery. The act of purging or restricting food provides a temporary escape from emotional turmoil and a sense of control in a world that often feels overwhelming.
In relationships, however, this need for control can be projected outward. A woman with bulimia may be drawn to men who, on the surface, seem to offer a chaotic, unpredictable sense of excitement. But beneath this is an unconscious desire to control the emotional environment, to feel validated by being the person who „can fix“ or „save“ the other. Just as she may attempt to control her body through eating behaviors, she may attempt to control the emotional chaos of a relationship with a drug-using partner.
The Highs and Lows: The Attraction to Emotional Turbulence
At first glance, the relationship between a woman with bulimia and a man who uses drugs may seem like a perfect storm of self-destructive behavior. However, psychoanalytically speaking, this dynamic can serve as a subconscious way of seeking emotional intensity. Men on drugs often bring with them a sense of unpredictability and danger—qualities that can create the emotional highs and lows that mirror the intense feelings associated with bulimia: extreme control followed by loss of control.
For women with bulimia, this emotional volatility may feel strangely comforting or familiar. In a way, it creates a false sense of emotional regulation—a feeling of being able to master something, even if it’s fleeting or unhealthy. The drama of addiction, the ups and downs that come with it, are almost like a mirror of the binge-purge cycle in bulimia: moments of overindulgence, followed by feelings of emptiness and an attempt to „cleanse“ or „purge“ that emotional excess.
This attraction can also be a way of self-punishment, a concept that is not uncommon in individuals with eating disorders. The chaos and suffering that often accompany drug use can serve as an unconscious reflection of the emotional pain the woman feels she deserves. In this way, the destructive nature of the relationship may feel „earned“ or like a form of emotional penance, echoing the feelings of guilt and shame often tied to bulimia.
The Desire for Rescue: The Savior Complex
Another factor that may influence this attraction is the unconscious desire to rescue. Many individuals with eating disorders, particularly bulimia, feel a deep sense of inadequacy or helplessness. There may be a desire to prove their worth by being the person who can „fix“ or „save“ someone. A woman with bulimia might find herself attracted to a man with addiction issues because she believes that, through her love and care, she can somehow save him—and in doing so, validate her own sense of self-worth.
This desire to heal or rescue can be deeply entangled with feelings of self-worth. When a woman with bulimia is in a relationship where she feels needed—where her partner’s addiction makes her feel indispensable—it can temporarily fulfill her longing for validation and significance. This pattern, however, can be emotionally draining, as it leaves her caught in a cycle of trying to „fix“ another person without addressing her own deep-seated emotional wounds.
Breaking the Cycle: Healing Through Awareness
Breaking free from these destructive patterns requires a deeper understanding of the unconscious dynamics at play. Psychotherapy, particularly psychodynamic therapy, can help women with bulimia explore the roots of their attachment issues and attraction to chaotic relationships. Understanding the ways in which early attachment wounds have influenced their adult relationships can help them create healthier patterns of connection.
Healing involves recognizing that true control doesn’t lie in the unpredictability and chaos of an addictive relationship. Instead, it is found in emotional self-regulation, self-acceptance, and the ability to form healthier, more stable bonds. Women with bulimia need to reclaim their sense of worth, not by fixing others, but by cultivating compassion and care for themselves.
Conclusion: The Search for Stability
Ultimately, the attraction to men on drugs, for women with bulimia, can be understood as a way of seeking familiarity, emotional regulation, and validation in a world that feels emotionally overwhelming and chaotic. However, these relationships rarely provide the healing they hope for, leaving the woman trapped in cycles of self-destructive behavior.
By recognizing these unconscious patterns, women can begin to break the cycle and seek relationships that offer the stability, care, and mutual respect they truly deserve. The journey toward healing involves not just looking for the right partner, but also working to develop a deeper sense of self-worth, grounded in self-compassion and emotional balance. Only then can the patterns of attraction and control give way to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.