The Hungry Miracle: Why We Sometimes Struggle to Receive Love and Nourishment
Even before we could speak, think, or understand the world, something deep inside us was already at work: a longing. A longing not just for what we are given, but for the very possibility of being nourished, cared for, and welcomed into life. From the very beginning, the mother’s body becomes more than a place of safety — it is a place of power, connection, and desire. And sometimes, it becomes a place of envy and frustration.
1. Womb Envy: Longing for the Power to Create Life
Psychoanalyst Karen Horney suggested that while Freud talked about “penis envy” in girls, men can feel a hidden envy of what the female body can do — namely, the ability to carry and give life. This isn’t just about anatomy; it’s about the deep human wish to create, to nurture, and to be at the center of something new.
This kind of envy can show up as competitiveness, the need to always be in control, or the desire to prove oneself. People may struggle with feeling dependent on others or want to master everything around them — all because somewhere inside, they feel they missed out on the original power of creation.
2. Birth Envy: Missing the Miracle of Beginnings
Alessandra Lemma talks about “birth envy” — the feeling that one was excluded from the miracle of entering life. When someone senses that they were left out of the “beginning,” it can create a silent wound. This may make a person reject the love and care they are offered later in life, or feel that they must take and control what others freely give.
When birth becomes a source of lack rather than celebration, we carry a quiet claim: I should have been at the source.And if that need isn’t met, it can turn into resentment, envy, or even a refusal to accept care.
3. Breast Envy: The First Experience of Wanting and Missing
Melanie Klein described how babies experience the mother’s breast as both giving and withholding. The “good breast” nourishes, while the “bad breast” seems greedy or unavailable. Even if the baby is fed physically, they may feel emotionally starved if they cannot trust that they are loved and cared for.
This early experience shapes how we deal with receiving and giving love as adults. If we can’t internalize the care we receive, we may feel constantly hungry inside, always needing, always wanting, but never truly satisfied.
4. Hunger, Envy, and Self-Denial in Everyday Life
Many people come to therapy feeling that the world is withholding from them. They want recognition, love, or success — yet they also have a hard time accepting what is offered. Deep down, they may reject the very care that could nourish them.
This pattern — driven by birth envy, womb envy, and breast envy — can leave someone feeling empty, frustrated, or resentful. They give to others without feeling fulfilled themselves and may struggle to feel gratitude or contentment.
5. Gratitude: Learning to Receive
Alessandra Lemma emphasizes that gratitude is the key to healing. It’s the act of truly receiving what is offered and turning it into inner strength. In therapy, this can mean learning to trust care, to accept love, and to allow oneself to be nourished emotionally.
When we can experience the “good object” (like care, love, or support) as reliable and internalize it, envy and frustration can transform into creativity, connection, and a sense of fullness. We learn that we have been nourished, we have survived, and we can receive.
References (for those who want to read more):
Horney, K. (1937). The Neurotic Personality of Our Time. New York: Norton.
Klein, M. (1957). Envy and Gratitude and Other Works 1946‑1963. London: Hogarth Press.
Lemma, A. (2018). Envy and Gratitude Revisited. London: Routledge.
Lemma, A. (2024). Introduction to the Practice of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy. Chichester: Wiley‑Blackwell.